Tips for Letting Them Be Little
I had the sweetest little togetherness tip planned for this week. It's been rumbling around in my mind and on my Macbook for weeks now, and I was so excited to share it.
But then I found myself driven to the brink of extreme emotions by three things this week, and I knew I had to share something fresh off the presses of my heart instead.
What were those three things?
An unexpected heart-to-heart
I've been growing stressed about my oldest son heading into the 10th grade next year and trying to tweak our homeschool plans to accommodate, so I started reading a few highly-recommended books on the topic and loved them so much I decided to ask my son to read the most compelling one himself. (It's written to a teenage audience, so this seemed only right.) Despite my best efforts to frame it right, though, I ended up somehow conveying pressure to hurry up and get ready for college. In the heart-to-heart that followed, I realized I was making a big mistake, and I wanted to cry and scream and rewind the clock for a do-over.
A concerned family member
The next day, I was on the phone with a family member who asked why I wasn't pushing my boys to be around girls more, saying time is running out to teach them certain things. And while I know this person was probably just trying to make a joke because it's well-known that my oldest son is now the same age I was when I fell for his dad (the ripe old age of 14), the conversation made me want to scream anyway. "He's just a kid," was my response, and what I wanted to say was, "and I wish I had been able to stay a kid longer too."
A podcast about "the undeclared war on childhood"
The last straw that brought me to writing about this topic was that while chatting with one of the ladies that host my favorite podcast, she mentioned a recent interview they did with Kim John Payne (the author of my favorite parenting book), and when I tuned in to listen yesterday, I wanted to cry big, happy tears, dance around my house, and scream a loud YES! to the whole world. Then I listened to it again and took pages of notes. (You can listen to it here.)
And I knew I had to talk to you about letting our kids be little because it's good for them, good for us, and so good for family togetherness.
Here's why:
#1 - Children who are pushed to do too much too soon end up stressed and burnt-out.
It was so encouraging to hear Kim John Payne talk about what happened in his practice when he saw children suffering from cumulative stress relax and let their gifts emerge. Hearing him describe stressed-out 10-year-olds and burnt-out 15-year-olds as having the same symptoms as children in war-torn countries suffering from PTSD is enough to make any parent stop and think, and then when he describes the way the kids with OCD, ADD, and other D's emerge as beautifully gifted, talented, heart-centered young humans after the stress is removed, the benefit of simplifying becomes clear.
#2 - Returning to simplicity is preparing kids for the future.
When the ladies on the podcast asked Kim John Payne about the doubts that come from people who think returning to simplicity means going backward or keeping our kids from their fullest potential, his reply was one of full conviction, saying that when we over-schedule our kids, we're not helping them get a head-start; we're crippling them because the future belongs to the entrepreneurs, those working for themselves in an environment they created, and that creativity comes through play and imagination - not living in a world where every moment is scheduled for them. And that's a future we get to be a part of when they see the way we've made for them.
#3 - The home is a safe harbor where values are learned.
Hearing Kim John Payne answer the great socialization question about homeschooling with words like, "We have to change the way we think about kids' social lives" and "We're not trying to hold them back - we're preparing them in a developmentally sensitive way" made my heart leap. And when he talked about how the pandemic is showing the family as the primary unit with everything else peripheral, I had tears in my eyes.
It made me wonder,
Why do we feel so much pressure to make our kids leave childhood so early?
What is it about our culture that pushes people to worry about kids who stay home with their parents a lot, or kids who have only a few activities, friends, and items on their agendas but have not a second thought about those who are the opposite?
I think it's exactly what Kim John Payne calls the "undeclared war on childhood" - something that emerged in our culture years ago and desperately needs to change.
In the world of family togetherness, we get to redefine how our kids are prepared for the future, how they are prepared for all they were created to be rather than pulled here and there by an agenda they didn't set themselves.
We get to make this change for our families.
And the cool thing is that while we're all still staying home a lot more these days in response to the pandemic, returning to simplicity is easier than ever.
(quite the silver lining in a very dark cloud that's been around way too long if you ask me)
To be clear, I’m not advocating for infantilizing our teenagers and young adults. I believe in treating all kids with the respect they deserve, and I know from experience that true family togetherness only comes when we trust our kids and let them be who they were made to be - not babies we take care of forever. But there's no need to push them into adulthood; they have the rest of their lives for that. We can respect them, honor their intelligence, and help them grow into adults without pushing. It's not an either-or game.
I'm not a therapist like Kim John Payne, and I haven't done research with thousands of kids like he has, but I was one of those stressed-out 15-year-olds with ulcers in my stomach back in the late 90's, and I entered college as a burnt-out 18-year-old who later suffered from bouts with depression and insomnia before I graduated.
Then, when marriage and starting a family brought the same busyness and stress, it was escaping suburbia to pursue travel and adventure (focusing on nature, living in forests, taking in ocean views, going off-grid, spending weeks away from the norm) that helped us return to simplicity. That's certainly not everyone's cup of tea, but I'm so glad we found it to be ours.
And while our home may be a mere 200-square-feet of shiny aluminum on wheels, we do have lots of space in our schedule and a kind of simplicity that has helped us in more ways than I can tell you.
And yet, I still worry that it's not good enough for my kids, not the very best thing, and we're still bombarded by technology and busyness sometimes much like the way every parent worries and is bombarded despite our best efforts.
But I'm still redefining things for my family.
Redefining togetherness.
Redefining family life.
Reclaiming childhood for my kids and for myself too.
My guess is you are too.
So, I'm going to keep talking to my son about college, but I'm letting him know it's on his timeline - not some arbitrary one someone came up with long ago that says 18 is the magic number but the really smart ones start earlier than that. And I'm going to take a few more chill pills (hot cups of tea and long walks) before we talk about it again.
And I hope we all can breathe a little easier after reading these words, knowing that the pressure's off when it comes to giving our kids more or worrying about them missing out.
Boredom is a good thing.
Play is essential.
Toys are okay long after the ripe old age of 12.
And while talking about sex, drugs, and rock & roll is important, actually giving our kids the opportunity to try those things can and should wait (with the exception of rock & roll that should almost certainly be sung daily by moms to annoy their tweens).
We can let them be little and enjoy them while they are.
For more about Kim John Payne's work, check out
What about you?
Do you struggle with the pressure to make your kids grow up too fast too? Are you afraid to go your own way and let them be little sometimes?
Hop into the email group and let me know. I love hearing from you!