How to Teach Your Kids to Fly
"Oh and when the kids are old enough we're gon' teach them to fly . . ."
I love this song. (You + Me by DMB) So when it came up on my Liked Songs playlist yesterday as I was driving to pick up my kiddos from summer camp, I turned the volume up to 60, let my windows down, and sang along.
When the song reached the "teach them to fly" line, I stopped my singing and smiled. Because now that my kids are 14 and almost-17, teaching them to fly is exactly what it feels like I'm trying to do.
Every. Single. Day.
In fact, now that my kids can pretty much feed, water, educate, and occupy themselves most of the time, I'm starting to wonder if that one line might be the whole theme song of parenting and building deep relationships with our kids long-term.
So, since you and I have been talking a lot about going after our big dream life, deciding which big dream to choose, and sharing heaps of big travel advice, I thought it might be time to swing over to the other side of what we like to talk about in these emails — relationships.
Because relationships take work. And it's not always easy to teach our kids to fly.
If they fly, they might fall.
They might get hurt.
They might not do what they need to do and face the consequences.
They also might soar.
They might find out how much they don't need us anymore.
They might want to change their relationships with us.
And that's not always an easy reality to face for parents who want long-term, deep relationships with our kids.
A necessary one, for sure, but not always an easy one.
So I've been thinking a lot recently about how to gracefully navigate this next season of parenting — this "teach them to fly" season full of driver's licenses, real jobs, scholarships vs. student loans, and college applications. And I've been trying to notice the situations life keeps putting me in where I get to build my "letting go" muscles.
Like when I was enrolling my youngest kiddo for his first-ever high school classes a few weeks ago and heard these words from the counselor: “You did really good, mom.” Honestly, he caught me a little off-guard. There I was thinking I’d been butting in too much, talking too much, revealing my true colors as my natural overinvolved homeschool mama self. He went on. “Most parents have trouble letting their kids choose their own classes, but we want them to make their own path and learn to drive their own bus, direct their own life, during their four years here. It looks like you’re good with that.”
"That's the goal!" I said.
But he had no idea how hard I was trying, how many tears had already spilled down my cheeks about the whole thing. How hard I’m still trying and how easily the tears still come.
Even so, I love it.
I'm finding that it feels good to watch my guy fly — or drive his own bus, whatever metaphor we want to use.
It feels good to step back and let him step up, take the reins, the helm, the steering wheel.
It feels great, actually.
But I still keep catching myself trying to help a little too much.
Stepping in too much, nagging about sunscreen or being on time for work or answering the school emails (and college admissions emails for my other son).
So I had a talk with myself recently and started asking some big questions about how to know when I'm doing too much for my kids.
Because truly, I don't ever want to hold them back.
My guess is you know the feeling.
What I found were three questions to ask myself to help me strike a balance between being interested and involved and holding them too tight, aka holding them back.
(Because yes, we definitely want them to fly from the nest but pushing them out too soon or with too much force isn't a good plan.)
So, I wrote an article about those three questions, and the folks over at iMOM picked it up and published it.
It's on iMOM today and I'd love for you to read it ⤵⤵⤵
Are You Helping Your Teen Too Much?
by Celeste Orr on iMOM.com
And when you do, I'd love to hear your thoughts ~
Whether they're 3 or 13 or 33, how do you keep from doing too much for your kiddos?
P.S. I was having a campfire conversation with a friend this week and she reminded me that a lot of folks hanging around my interwebs right now might start to think I'm writing full-time these days. If that’s you, I want to pull back the curtain for a sec and let you know something (especially if you're here because you also love to write and are getting your own thing going as we speak). After 3+ years of diving into writing as my calling, passion, and vocation, I’m actually still a full-time+ computer nerd by day running Togetherness Redefined in the late night or wee morning hours while my teenagers sleep, play video games, and watch YouTube videos or movies I don't enjoy. (As you might guess, it takes a lot of coffee to keep this thing going, but I wouldn't trade it for anything — I love it.) So here’s a BIG thank you to every single person opening the emails every Friday morning in the email group, reading my articles, responding back to me, and using those contribution links below to share articles, purchase my book, hop into a course, or buy me a coffee. It makes such a difference — more than you’ll ever know. Thank you.
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