My Story About Embracing Disappointment & Beginning Again

Disappointment & Chasing Big Family Dreams...

When I started sharing these Togetherness Tips with you back in April, I never thought I would be writing to you about embracing disappointment. I honestly did not see disappointment as a part of chasing big family dreams or building a deep connection with our families - probably because I've been trying to avoid it my whole life.

Then, a few weeks ago, these words captured me:

"Some people resent being challenged by life. They think challenges should not exist. But if you have lived long enough, at some point you realize that the world isn't here to make you happy. It can't do that...We need the crisis. There are two levels of truth. One is to see the craziness of what's happening now. And another is to see, from a higher perspective, that what's happening now is part of our evolution." -Eckhart Tolle in Oprah's The Path Made Clear 

Ouch. I quickly recognized myself in that first line and knew I needed a shift in perspective. What I didn't realize was that I was about to get it - fast.

It's not that I've never been disappointed before; I certainly have. I've experienced my share of deep disappointment and loss over the years, but somehow, I still thought my life and my family would be altogether better if I avoided disappointment like the plague. I chase family togetherness and big family adventure like a crazy person - going from this big dream to that one, so there's not much time left to sit with my disappointments, right?

Then, as I mentioned inlast Friday's email, our big adventure for this winter was delayed by a health challenge that rocked our family and my graduate thesis was turned upside down too for good measure. As a result, I found myself dealing with major disappointment.

But my hubby's going to be okay (he's healing up just fine these days thankfully and back to all the boat projects), so I pulled on my big girl pants and decided I could plow through all the other things on my plate and get everything back on track in a jiffy. I worked hard and pushed myself to another new limit and thought that would fix everything, but it didn't. This time, disappointment couldn't be avoided - my thesis was rejected again, my graduation postponed another semester, and my confidence reached an all-time low.

But I'm a high achiever, and failure is not in my DNA, so I thought about pushing extra hard for just 5 more days to make it happen the way I had planned.

The result was a lingering migraine that left me on my back with nothing left to do but pray, and I knew I had 2 choices: I could either keep pushing for the dream to happen just exactly the way I thought it would and become a hot, sick, tired, crabby mess, OR I could embrace the disappointment as a vital part of my growing and maturing process and begin again in a healthy way.

I didn't want to begin again. I didn't want to embrace disappointment either. And I certainly didn't want anything to mess up the plans I had made for big graduation celebrations and a holiday break free from all worries. But more than that, I desperately did not want to be a hot, sick, tired, crabby mess for my family.

So I closed my laptop and decided to do the only thing that really helps me when things go sideways - lean into my family. We carved out time for a movie night, did some Christmas shopping, ate some froyo, went for a long walk (and rescued a sick lizard as a result), worked on a puzzle, and read a few fun books aloud.

And then I started to see it - I started to see disappointment as a gift for big family dreams and big family togetherness too.

I thought about all of us who have dealt with big rejection blows - the dream job that never happened, the book publisher rejection letter, the friendship that never blossomed, the negative diagnosis for a child, the difficult decision to drop out of an election, race, or program that's been a dream since childhood. I thought about the humility we gain when these things happen, the perspective shifts that happen, the immense room these things make for the things that really matter.

And a thought dropped into my mind: What if, when we embrace disappointment, we're choosing a better path altogether? What if this was the way it was really supposed to be from the start?

What if this disappointment is actually a God-appointment for something better?

What if that dream job would only truly be a dream next year when you come back and apply again with more experience and more maturity? Or what if it wouldn't have been a dream job at all and you need to knock on a different door? What if the book publisher rejection letter leads you to find a different publisher - the one that's a better fit for you? What if the friendship that isn't blossoming right now might blossom next month or next year or with someone else who would be a better friend for you later? What if that negative diagnosis leads you to lean into your child in a way you never would have otherwise and you find out that the bond you've built is something that will last a lifetime? What if leaving the election, race, or program this year means that next year you'll come back and knock it out of the park with a new idea you never could have had without that first drop-out?

What if we become more human - more full of grace - more our true selves - when we deal with disappointment and begin again than we ever could be if everything went right all the time? 

And what if that makes us more equipped for family togetherness and big family dreams?

It's a scary thought at first - the idea of beginning again, the thought that there could be something much different and much better than our little minds can know right now. At the end of the day though, we absolutely will not stop chasing the big dreams in our hearts. We might just be a little more open to the idea that those big dreams might need to come about another way - a better way.

How do you deal with disappointment and find a way forward?

Hop into the email group and join the discussion - I'd love to hear all about it!