Choosing Family When All You Can Pray is "O God"

A few days ago, the unexpected showed up on our doorstep - my hubby having a few funny feelings, then a doctor's visit, a quick surgery, and the c-word.

In times like these, there's a big difference between "O God, don't do this to me" and "O God, I trust you. I know You love us." And there's a lot of space between those two camps. I know this, so how is it that I'm feeling both?

And how is it that after being a praying person for over 30 years, all I can pray in this moment is "O God"?

Too many thoughts run through my mind. How could this be happening to the one person I thought was invincible - the one person I need the most? How could this be happening when I just lost my mom 13 months ago?Why haven't I loved him more? What did I do wrong to deserve this? Did I cause this in some way? Why is everyone touched by that stupid c-word these days?

And then I realize - this isn't about me at all. I'm not the one who should be falling apart, so fragile and weak. I should be able to be strong for him like my dad and sister were strong for my mom - like I was for my mom. And then the guilt begins because I realize how selfish I'm being, and all I can pray is "O God" again.

The truth is I just don't know what to ask for anymore. In these moments it feels like every word is trite, every heartfelt prayer not nearly enough. It feels like I'm lost, like all my prayers are gone, like I'm the butt of someone else's incredibly cruel joke.

But I've been around God enough to know that He's okay with that. Still, I struggle and I fall apart more than a little bit.

I think about curling up into a ball, hiding under a blanket, shutting out all my friends and weeping until I run out of tears. I think about canceling all of my appointments, quitting everything, and throwing away all of the big family dreams we've been going after. I think about screaming at every stranger on the sidewalk and every person who loves me. I think about throwing every dish I have against the wall until they all look as broken as I feel.

And then I think about my husband and our two little boys.

And I realize I can't do those things - what kind of message would that send to them? And what would doing those things help anyway? Hiding under my covers can't give me the next 50+ years I want with him. Screaming at strangers can't give my kids a healthy dad. Throwing things can't give my future grandkids a strong, healthy grandpa.

So instead of doing those things, I sit down to pray again - trying to talk to the One who can do something about it. But still, the only words that come are "O God" because I know I don't control His ways.

And then, after about 10,000 times of saying, "O God", I find a few feeble words. O God, please help us. O God, I'm being so selfish and it's not fair to him - please help me. O God, please give us a good report. O God, please help us stop that stupid c-word that keeps causing so much suffering on this planet.

They aren't enough, but they're all I've got, and I remember an old Bible verse that I forgot long ago -

So, here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life - your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life - and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him.

Romans 12:1

And I realize that being the best wife and mom I can be right now is the most eloquent prayer I could ever pray.

It's better than anything I've ever prayed before, and even though it's the only thing I've got and it feels so small, it is enough.

Thankfully, I'm happy to tell you that my husband is going to be just fine. The doctors tell us they got every part of the c-word out because he caught it so quickly and we have no reason to think there's anything else. (But we're going to delay our sailing adventure for one more month for more tests just to make sure, and we're also going to have to see doctors a little more often than we ever have before too. It's not what we planned, but we'll definitely take it!)

And now, just a few days later, I'm happy to say that I'm not so broken anymore. I'm finding my way back from the darkness. It's still not pretty, and there are still loads of things left undone and heaps of things I need to make right.

But I chose my family and I know that makes a difference.

Just the act of writing this post and sharing this story with you is something I could not have done just 6 months ago, so I know there's progress being made somewhere.

I also know that I'm not the only one going through tough times like these, and since I've been touched so deeply by others sharing their stories of hope, I should definitely share mine too in the hopes that you, dear reader, might find some hope in whatever you're going through too.

If you do, let me know - hop into the email group and let’s chat.

It's such an honor to get to share this way with you.