What if doing less isn't possible?
Can we talk about us moms and the martyr complex for a sec?
It’s not about shaming anyone for anything. It’s about choosing our mental health.
Because ever since writing to you about how doing less of the 10,000 things that don’t matter that much can give us so much more time and energy for the things that do – family, friends, dreams, adventures, living life – I’ve been running across so many beautiful souls who are stressed out, run-down, and doing more and more day after day. Myself included.
Honestly, I’ve been finding the do less - have more life harder than ever before, too.
In short, sometimes it might look like having a fun life with the people you love just isn’t possible (because the dishes don’t wash themselves, right?).
It could be the season. It could be one-off choices. Or, it could be a destructive mental health pattern that’s common for women right now.
According to WebMD, the martyr complex is “a recognized psychological pattern. It's marked by self-sacrifice and service to others at your own expense” and things like ⤵
minimizing accomplishments
being the hero
lacking self-care
having unrealistic values
I don’t know about you, but ouch, some of those hit close to home for me. Healthline goes further ⤵
doing things and not feeling appreciated
often trying to do too much
consistently dissatisfied in your job and relationships
always taking care of someone else
constantly feeling like nothing you do is right
Ouch again.
The good news is, we have a choice. We always have a choice.
As the great Viktor Frankl (Holocaust survivor and personal growth guru) said, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is the power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
and
“Everything can be taken from a man [or woman] but one thing: the last of the human freedoms–to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
I’m not advocating for minimizing mental health concerns or just trying to do better, pray them away, or meditate longer and longer until your problems fade into the distance. (Taking care of your mental health is important – especially as a parent.)
But what I am advocating for is choosing a new pattern or two in two simple ways.
#1 - Replace “Why do I always have to be the one who ___” with a bitterness buster
Here are 22 simple, easy ways to stop being bitter in an article I wrote recently for iMOM.
#2 - Learn how to say no guilt-free & with grace
Here are 15 ways to say no and set healthy boundaries with family in another article I wrote recently about my own famous childhood line, “Why do we have to go there for Christmas again? I just want to stay home.”
Yep, you counted right – in all that’s 37 strategies for choosing life over martyrdom. And I hope all of them lift your spirits and give you an extra bit of oomph right now to keep going, keep loving, keep laughing, and keep showing up for your people – and to keep asking for help, resting, reaching out, and choosing to care for yourself, too.
In other words, we get to choose how to show up for our families.
Doing life (and doing less) exactly the way someone else is doing it may not be exactly possible right now, and that’s okay. That doesn’t mean we have to be bitter. It also doesn’t mean we need to say yes to everything we’re asked to do.
We get to choose our own flavor of family togetherness.
And our own mental health, too.
Want to find more support for your own personal growth?
Listen to this interview I did with Paola Sur about motherhood and mental health.
Check out my personal growth page.
BUT ONLY AFTER YOU hop into the email group and introduce yourself. Ask your questions and get fresh inspiration in our Friday morning togetherness tip emails. I’ll see you there!